Ramadan and Shawal Diaries - belated

[UmmWafi]

  wr wb

I didn't sign up for any diary entries so pardon my liberties.  I have had trouble signing into Jannah, no idea why. I would like, however, continue what I have participated in yearly, Inshallah.



Phew, I got through the first day of Ramadan with minimal hassle.  The kids were being very good ie no complains nor whining, my dad looked rejuvenated after months of looking exhausted and my mom somehow looked at peace. I didn't speculate the reason for her peace but I suspect it could be because she is happy to see another Ramadan.

12.45am - 2nd day of Ramadan.

Something just didn't feel right. I felt my chest pounding in fearful anticipation but of what, I did not know.  I read a short du'ah and suddenly I was gripped by this need to call my cousin in Malaysia who was sick.  I managed to travel to see her 2 weeks before and she seemed good. She seemed like she was in control of the situation.  Still, with a diagnosis of 3rd stage bone cancer, I wonder.

The phone rang and rang...and with each ring my heart constricted further.  Finally, her husband's voice on the other side.  The time is 1.20am. Were they asleep ? He was deathly monotonous when he told me that they are now reading Surah Yaseen for my cousin. She fell into a coma around 30 minutes ago. I sat shell-shocked. I understood what he was saying but I couldn't comprehend the factual reality of it. I wanted to scream NO!! She can't get worse !!!

2.30am, first Juma'ah of Ramadan, my beautiful 35 year old cousin died of cancer.  Her sister called me. I couldn't say anything. I just said thanks for calling me and put down the phone.

She gave up. She didn't want to fight anymore. She promised me she would meet me for Eid and she didn't want to keep her promises.  Those were my first few words. It was easier to be angry with her. Much easier than to feel the heart wrenching pain of losing someone you love.

The rest of Ramadan flew by on darkened wings of sorrow.  Never have I ever felt this much pain during the blessed month.  Regrets I have had many, but pain...

I watched my mother cry in pain after tarawih and I watch her cry in pain during suhoor and I watch her cry in pain while having my iftaar. For a child to have to watch her mother cry in pain and be helpless to erase that pain is like having the fires of hell slowly licking its way up...consuming your body and eventually your soul.  I grieved...for everything.

Ya  , I am so exhausted. I am so very exhausted. I just feel like lying down...burying my mind in oblivion.  Maybe only then would my pain and hurt stop gnawing and clawing their way into the darkest recesses of my heart and thoughts.

1st Shawal - I fretted. I wonder if my mom can take the emotional stress of being sad.  We all cried as we begged forgiveness from each other.  My dad cried with me.  But I cried not for what sins I have committed. I cried in joy because I have one more Shawal with her and I have stopped assuming that time is something I have in abundance.  Still I also tried to hide whatever anxieties I have of meeting my aunt and the 2 young boys my cousin left behind.

That day I visited my aunt and uncle and despite telling myself not to burden them with my tears, the moment I saw them it was as if a dam of sadness burst and I just hugged and cried...uncaring and unashamed.  Watching the lines of pain etched deep in the face of my aunt and uncle who have had to bury their youngest daughter seared a permanent scar in my mind. Scars that Inshallah will serve as powerful reminders of what little time I have with my own children and family.  As I watched the still-confused face of the two boys, I grieved as a mother.  I grieved as insaan. My mourning began earnestly.

As I recite the takbeer in welcome to Shawal, deep in my heart I was saying goodbye to Ramadan.  I was saying goodbye to my beloved cousin.  I was saying goodbye to who I was...as a person.

Ya  I pray to you, please forgive the sins of all Muslims who have departed.  Please place their souls in peaceful abode while waiting for yaumul qiyaamah.  Ya please forgive the sins of my almarhumah cousin, shower your Mercy and Love on her. Ya please shower your Mercy and Shifa' on my mother, ease her pain ya .  Ya accept all our 'ibaadah and forgive all our sins and place us in Jannah with those whom you Love.  Ya please give me the strength and imaan to be whole again...to be your faithful 'abd.  Ya ya rahman ya raheem..verily you are the Creator and Sustainer of all.

In Loving Memory of Noormelati Shafie :
June 1972 - October 2007

We love you very much.

Wassalam